You’ve gone to networking events. You’ve gone to pitch events. Maybe even you’ve had a one-on-one meeting with an investor about your film…

 

BUT NOW WHAT?

 

Where do you go? What do you do? What’s the next step?

 

It wouldn’t suck this bad if all those people who said “Your film is amazing! You’re gonna go places! How do I get involved?” would actually CONTACT YOU BACK.

 

You know me. I hate the normal advice that’s out there.

“Tighten up your logline (this advice is BS)! Just work on your story bro, that’s all the matters. 100% story.”

 

The only problem is… that’s what you’ve been doing for the past 6 months already!

 

Today we’re gonna focus on something that no one else talks about, but it actually gets you results.

 

What if you could use your body-language reading skills to not only see the Matrix of how people think, but influence people to think like you?

 

That is:

1. How do you read someone’s body language so you know IN THE MOMENT if your pitch is going well?
2. How do you tell the difference between someone being nervous and someone lying to you?
3. How do you talk to someone famous when they’re surrounded by fans, without seeming annoying?
4. What are Signals of Interest that tell you’re building a genuine interest?
5. What are the Body Language myths you should STOP listening to now.
6. How can you change your OWN state, so that you can go into a networking event / pitch and crush it like those extraverted people who just exude confidence (even when you’re an hermit crab introvert)

Master your body language, and deliver MASSIVE value to people. Keep those two things in mind and you’ll get emails like this:

People aren’t used to others delivering crazy value, but I always say – Be the change you want to see.

 

This is indiefilmTO’s Ultimate Guide To Body Language, and it was written by our great staff writer, Isabel Catalán Sada.

The Body’s Read “Cheat Sheet”

 People’s posture tells you everything you need to know about whether they’re interested in what you’re saying — or not.

 

This is a checklist you can always come back to, to know whether or not you’re doing great on your pitch, if people are just politely listening to you at a networking event (only to never talk to you again).

Head area

 

• Relaxed: When a person’s relaxed, their head stands straight on top of the neck. (Remember that this defined from the baseline and some people’s necks may naturally protrude outward… protrusion forward is also a sign of lack of confidence, though not always) 
• Nervousness: If a person is nervous, you’ll spot some quick movements of the head in the direction of sounds, as well as their hands constantly scratching/itching around the neck.
• Aggressiveness: An angry person’s head will likely to be very still, with measured movements and almost restricted, as if trying to retain themselves from imploding.
• As you practice this more, you can start to pick up on subtle things like the veins in the neck starting to come to surface more, and even near their temples.
• Interested: When a person is interested, their head and neck are relaxed and facing in the direction of the source of interest.
• You’ll be able to spot nodding, as well as the head slightly siding, to hear better. There will be little movement unless it’s to follow their source of interest.
• Moreover, if the person is sat at a table, you’ll be able to spot other signs such as the head resting softly on a first or the thumb. This easily spottable cue shows the person is processing the information, so keep doing what you’re doing.
• Bored: A bored person’s head will be resting on the heel of the hand, and is likely to try to find any excuse to turn its head towards something more interesting in order to avoid falling asleep.

So if the person in front of you is slowly starting to turn its head towards the sides “in search” of something, you better stop talking.

This is also called “light housing” and guys do it all the time at clubs, where they’re standing in one place, and keep rotating their heads.

 

Things To Note:

There are cultural exceptions to these, like in India, the nodding happens as a horizontal nod instead of a vertical nod, as the later means “no”.

Eye area

• Relaxed form: Eyes and eyebrows come in a variety of colours and shapes, but in their relaxed form, the eyes tend to look straight ahead, with a paced blinking and relaxed eyebrows etched on top of each eye. 
• • Nervousness: nervous eyes tend to look anywhere but where the intimidating source is. They are very reactive to movement and also tend to blink faster, as a means to hydrate the eyes better and gather quick information in case there is a need for fight or flight. And when darting away, if they look down at first, it’s a sign of submissiveness, regret, or nervousness. If they look up, then it’s a sign a contempt or boredom.
    

• • Aggressiveness: Angry eyes give piercing looks that could petrify a person. The pupils dilate and the eyes concentrate on a certain point and do not look away. The blinking is slow, in a very predator-scanning-its-prey kind of way. You’ll remark a light to pronounced frown, or in passive-aggressive cases, very arched eyebrows that mean “Are you serious right now?”
  • Interested: Their eyes are relaxed and follow movements coming from a stimulating source. The blinking is normal, and often linked to nodding. The eyebrows are relaxed, with a bemused look and an arched brow.
    
  • Bored: Bored eyes tend to look away for a source of stimuli, the blinking slows down, and the eyebrows tend to have fallen over the eyes a little bit, often grimacing.

 

Things To Note:

The eyes and the eyebrows also offer quite a few ticks we can look for, harsh blinking is usually linked to disbelief.  Eyes twitches happen when a person is uncomfortable and/or getting angry. And swift movements of the eyebrows are often spotted when a person is surprised or detecting a lie.

Breathing

• Relaxed form: Relaxed breathing can change depending on the person and their air intake. But most of the time it’s paced and unchanging, around 12-18 breaths per minute in adults.
• Nervousness: Nervous breathing is often quick and close to hyperventilation (air intake every quarter of a second).
• Aggressiveness: Angry breathing in people tends to be longer than usual, paced and controlled, almost as if trying to calm down the increased heart-rate of “fight” mode.
• Interested: An interested person’s breathing will not change from its normal breathing.
• Bored: A bored person’s breathing might get slower, and definitely more audible, this will be done in order to give an auditory cue to the source of boredom that they need to pick up the pace of their audience will start snoring soon enough.

Things To Note:

Asthmatic people’s breathing will become difficult when nervous – if you’re aware of this condition in anyone, avoid anything that could unduly upset them, just so you can avoid an asthma attack during an interview or a pitch, for their good and yours.

Once you’ve become experienced enough, you can detect it easily but in the beginning a simple way to find out is to just ask:

“Are you asthmatic by any chance?” And they’ll either say “Yes” “No” or “Why” and you just tell them the truth, so for me it’s: “Because I have a lot of friends who are and I recognize certain breathing patterns. Just wanted to be sure so if something happens, maybe I could help.”

Do that only after you’ve built some rapport, because you may think it paints you as a psychic wizard but in reality it is WEIRD to ask someone that randomly.

 

Mouth area

 

Relaxed form: A person’s mouth area tells us a lot when they talk, and also when they don’t. In its relaxed form, most mouths are either neutral or have a slight curve of the lips upwards, and is shut.

• Nervousness: A nervous mouth will present itself as tight lipped, the tone will have variations going towards higher pitches, and the speed is likely increase if the person is unable to control their anxiety.

• So what do you about this if you have this? Practice down talking. It’s where your sentence ends on a down-note. It’s a sign of confidence.
• Aggressiveness: An angry mouth will have pursed lips, and almost frown-like curve of the lips. The tone may vary depending on how the person is able to control their voice, but we you’ll be able to spot a deeper pitch and a very calculated speed.
• Interested: A person who is interested will have a relaxed mouth as well as a slight bemused-like grin. The tone will have a mid-range to mid-high pitch and the pace will be normal. BONUS: An interested person is likely to repeat what you’ve said back to them through questions.
• Bored: A bored mouth tends to sit in its relaxed form, with a possible pronounced curve of the lips downwards. The pitch might be mid-range, but it is their slower speech speed that will give you signs that they’re about to hit snooze.

 

Things To Note:

Fast speech isn’t always a tell-tell sign that the person is nervous, in fact, in some cases, people have a naturally faster speech because they are excited, or simple come from cultures where fast speech is natural such as Southern-Europeans and people from North American big cities.

Torso area

• Relaxed form: A relaxed torso tends to vary between people with or without back problems, and their position, whether standing up or sitting down. Some people also find the ‘crossed-arms-on-chest’ posture very relaxing when sitting, and thus should not necessarily be read as a ‘standoffish’ posture. In most cases though you’ll find the shoulders relaxed, and their arms either crossed if they’re sitting down, down in their pockets or resting softly gathered together to the front.
• Nervousness: When a person is nervous their neck to arms area shows it distinctively. You’ll spot the neck muscles are tight and that the frame is slightly more curved than natural. Their hands will be fidgety, and their arm posture will constantly change as they won’t be able to find a “comfortable” posture. This is because their subconscious will constantly be fighting the fight or flight instinct.
• Aggressiveness: An angry person’s frame is important, it will show that they want to impose: shoulders back, chest forward and head tilted slightly high. Their arms will be fixed in one positions and the tension will also be showed in the hands: calculated movements as if trying to avoid wasting precious energy in case they need to attack.
• Interested: To spot a person’s interest, the frame will be a tell-tell. If standing, their posture will be relaxed, but angled towards you, almost finding a comfortable position by ‘sitting’ on their ‘weakest’ leg while their strongest leg is pointed at you.
• You’ll also find that they might switch between legs after while to find a new comfortable position, but still rotated towards you. If they’re sitting across you, their body will be gathered comfortably and closer to you, and their shoulders will be aimed at you, proof that their attention is on you.
• Bored: A bored person will try to find a comfortable spot, but will find it hard to stick to any position, and it will show in their balancing from one leg to another if they’re standing. If they’re sitting you’ll see them slouch back, creating a large space between you two with their shoulders downwards, distancing themselves. Moreover, they are likely to have their arms closed tightly, showing a standoffish posture.

 

Things To Note:

In some rare cases, people have a tick similar to a full bodied shiver that they might feel when they are uncomfortable, and/or when something displeases them.

This is higher in people who score high on disgust.

Arms / Hands

• Relaxed form: Depending on the person, you might find that some people who have back problems tend to have a more upright posture and find it comfortable to cross their arms on their chests when they’re standing or sitting down. Nevertheless, relaxed arms might be resting on the torso’s sides and the hands are usually tucked together or in the person’s pockets.
• Nervousness: Nervous hands tend to fidget quite a lot, and become ‘scratchy’ or touchy. You’ll be able to spot the hands moving quickly, stressed and clumsy, as well as repeating movements which shows the person’s subconscious aim to calm themselves.
• Aggressiveness: Angry hands and arms are tensed and tend to either tap on a table in impatience, or tensed and stuck in a tight crossed arms posture.
• Interested: An interested person’s hands will be relaxed and might start playing with their hairs (romantic), if you have their attention their arms might be crossed but their shoulders will be relaxed and pointed towards you regardless of whether they are sitting or standing.
• Bored: if a person is bored you might spot that their arms are crossed and turned slightly away from you. They might start to fidget with their hands and, for example, start paying more attention to their nails rather than your story.

 

Things To Note:

It is known that a lot of Latin countries use their upper-bodies a lot when expressing themselves, especially Italians and Hispanics. When engaging them, do not over do it, but don’t be afraid to let loose a little and play around with your hands and arm movements.

Nails are very important to analyze to understand if a person is of anxious nature. If you’re looking at the opposite of well manicured hands, you might be facing a person that deals with a lot of stress, and/or a person that has just stopped smoking. Fidgety hands can also show a person’s inability to concentrate without playing with something between their fingers, too, in this case, you are dealing with a person with a  shorter attention span who is highly likely to get easily distracted.

Legs

 

Relaxed form: People’s legs postures vary depending on their moods, too, but in their relaxed form and while standing, you’ll find that most people tend to slouch on their strongest leg with their weakest leg to its side. Some people find it really comfortable to cross their legs while they’re sitting too, and the signs to look after are related to any pointing of the feet, and the movements from one leg to another.

• Nervousness: A nervous person’s legs will show them trying to find a comfortable posture to carry, but will eventually be changing their position from one leg to another constantly. Another sign to look for is crossed legs while standing up, with their strongest leg to the back, as if ready to spring out in case the situation gets too uncomfortable. When sitting down, fidgeting and nervous tapping will appear almost subconsciously, and you might also be able to spot that they’ll try to grab they legs or ‘massage’ them, in the hopes to calm themselves.
• Keep in mind that leg tapping may also just be a sign that they’re restless (hence “Restless Leg Syndrome”, rather than nervous.)
• Aggressiveness: Angry people’s pauses are easy to spot. Usually, angry people will show an intimidating posture, such as the Wonder Woman pose (legs apart, hands on their hips) with the exception that their arms might be crossed in a tight grip on their chest. Another sign is usually them ‘sitting’ on their strongest leg and keeping the foot of their weakest leg facing you. If sitting down, they are likely to be crossed legged and won’t have any fidgeting.
• Interested: Once again the attention will be shown by their body pointing towards the direction of the source of stimuli, especially the feet. The body and legs will be relaxed and there is likely to be balancing from front to back towards you, instead of side-to-side.
• Bored: A bored person’s posture tends to show them balancing on one leg then the other in a very impatient way. If they’re sitting down, they’ll try to find a comfortable position and will shift positions throughout the conversation until they do feel comfortable.

Toes

 

Relaxed form: Often, our toes are ‘protected’ from view by being incarcerated in a closed shoe, but this does not stop people from showing certain emotions with them. In their relaxed form, toes tend to just naturally sit straightened and flat on our shoes, or dangle a little if we are sitting crossing our legs.

• Nervousness: When a person is nervous, you’ll find their toes wiggling a little, along with the entire foot which is likely to move in small but fast-ish movements, showing a discomfort they cannot hide.
• Aggressiveness: Angry people have a tendency to subconsciously tense up all their muscles, and that related to toes as well. You’ll find that if they’re wearing open shoes, the toes will look a slightly curved. If they’re wearing shoes, look out for a slight bump where the toes are, this will reveal the slight bump too.
• Interested: Interested people will have relaxed toes but they will most likely be pointed at you like an arrow. Look for their ‘weakest’ leg and look at where their toes are pointed. Most interested people will balance on their strongest leg and point their ‘interest’ with their weakest leg.
• Bored: When it comes to boredom, a slight tapping of the feet and toes can be expected, this represents the ever-growing impatience of a person.

 

Things To Note:

In some (rare) cases, the wiggling of the feet can also depict happiness, it is not common but it does happen. Also, cracking the toes bones can be a sign of searching for comfort. After all, standing at networking events for hours can be painful for the feet and toes, especially in women wearing heels or men wearing tight shoes after a long day.

 

Reading Them: Telling the Difference Between Nervousness, Lies, and Their Normal Behaviour

Analyze their behaviour

In her talk about how to spot a Lie, ex-CIA agent Susan Carnicero talks about how important it is to analyze a person’s behaviour during an “interrogation” — or in our case during a networking event / pitch meeting.

This can give you a lot of clues regarding how they feel and – importantly –  how they feel about you. By using the cheat-sheet above, you’ll be able to decipher your interlocutor’s mindset, and find a way to drive the conversation to a place where they’ll show more signs of interest.

 

But how do you analyze the “signs” to know what’s going on in the other person’s head? And how do you tell the difference between that and their personal ticks? Here’s how:

The Five Second Window

 

When someone crosses their arm, coughs, looks away nervously, etc… is that necessarily because of you? Or is it unrelated?

How do you tell the difference between “baseline” and them not liking what you’re saying? Here’s the trick: only pay attention to signals that happen FIVE SECONDS after you speak.

Why five seconds?

Because we think 10x faster than someone speaks. And you have no idea if the signals you’re getting are based on what you or something else that just happened to pop into your target’s awareness.

Otherwise you’ll misread signals where the source of the stimuli was something / someone else.

Five seconds is short enough that the probability is high that their behaviours are in reaction to you (as opposed to something else in the environment or another thought that popped up in their head)

 

Look for signs that include verbal and nonverbal cues, as well as the contextual and cultural signs of positive or deceptive behaviour.

 

Ignore Global Behaviours

 

For example, if a person is sitting with their arms crossed… You don’t know if it’s because they’re nervous of they’re withholding information, or that they’re cold! Or that that’s what’s most comfortable for them!

 

In terms of the contextual signs, you need to be aware of the surroundings in order to understand a pre-set for the mood of the person. For example, if you’re at a dull networking event, you’ll pick up boredom signs from the start.

 

These are called Global Behaviours, and you can use them to develop a baseline of the person.

 

If you know that they’re speaking at an important event, impatience and perhaps event anger signs will be a given, so prepare to read passed that and/or read just your goal related to this (whether it is a pitch or a simple chat).

 

Remember to only read signs that are different from their baseline, within 5 seconds of you speaking.

Your scan begins the instant you ask your first question.

 

Starting from the head down, you will look for the signs cited above, and run a few ‘matches’ together to determine what kind of mood they’re in.

 

Nevertheless, and as we have previously determined, mixed signals/reading can happen so the more signs you get, the better you will identify if the person in front of you is bored out of their mind, or following your line of thought.

 

NOTE: This is also your moment to make a good and lasting impression that will help you later on, and that will definitely help you determine whether or not you’ve blown it, or not.

 

A good thing to prep for is having a few good questions to ask in order to appear knowledgeable and interested, which will likely give you a few cookie points with them.

 

Talking To Someone Specific

 

As starting filmmakers, we tend to take it for granted that the networking events we go to, the people we meet and the conferences we attend can become incredibly boring if you’re a veteran in the industry; plus sometimes you need a liquid ice-breaker.

 

This is why alcohol became popular at public events. And when doing business.

 

And this is why it’s incredibly important to acknowledge the context of the conversation and the context in which your interlocutor has been dealing with before you address them.

You can be assured that by a certain time, most veterans tend to have gone as they have a better idea of when the ‘good’ stuff has happened and when to hit the after-party.

 

(If you’re at a boozy afternoon event, you can be sure that past 7pm, most veterans will have gone to dinner or scheduled late afternoon drinks with colleagues, if you’re at dinner, you can rest assure that most parties start around 9-10pm and the after-parties at festivals tend to start after 2am).

 

With this in mind, finding a way to speak to the person you’re interested about a half hour before their next ‘gig’, or two hours after they’ve arrived is a good time for a relaxed or happy preset mood, especially at open-bar networking events.

 

A few things to bear in mind: you do not want to pester them, you should absolutely not follow them around — or be seen like you’re following them around.

 

In fact keeping them at a very safe distance and reading their body-language before engaging them is recommended. This way, you can get a full picture on their mood before aggravating it in case you come between the booze and them.

Another important thing to highlight is that depending on the importance of the person you would like to speak, there will be “satellites” around them, waiting for a chance to get there first — so picking the right moment becomes almost as vital as being able to read the signs.

 

You don’t want to NOT talk to them because you’re thinking “I don’t want to bother them… they’re busy…” while at the same time, you don’t want to actually bother them when they’re busy.

 

So then WHEN is the “right moment” to approach, when they’re busy!? Use this, and your common sense, a guideline:

1. If they are alone, and have been alone for at least a minute (since they probably just left a large group to try and be alone)
2. Look at their shoes when they’re in a group. Where are their toes pointed? Is it towards who they’re talking to? Or is it outside the circle, begging “please someone take me out of this conversation”

 

Once you’re in and you are asking them a few questions, make sure to read their reaction as you are asking the question.

 

Though this is almost too obvious to write, it’s important to gauge their reactions to you say things like “hey, can you read my script?” (which by the way… please don’t ask. If that’s what you take out of this guide, then I will find you and kill you.)

Signals Of Interest

 

Needless to say, when you are going to meet with someone of interest, and/or want to chat to them at the event you will both be attending, doing your research on them is crucial.

 

The more you research about a person and find interesting topics to talk about, and what their interests are, the more you can add value to them and actually engage meaningfully.

 

Being someone who can talk about a variety of subjects is crucial, as it’ll make you interesting and that is gold dust during awkward networking events.

 

In the world of filmmaking, it’s not only films we trade, it’s personalities.

 

Now, you have to be sneaky in your approach. If the person you’re ‘interrogating’ feels creeped out that you apparently know so much about their likes, you’re doomed, and this is why finding common points that you genuinely have can be important.

In networking events cases, there are a few, if this is one of your first ones, asking questions is recommendable, especially if you start by linking it to you “I was wondering if when you started off, you found networking events a little bit intimidating”.

 

These kind of questions will give you verbal cues as to what the person thinks and if they relate to you or not.

 

If you see them trying to evade the question, take it as a way that they are not interested, as people who are keen on someone will find ways to connect with them one way or another.

 

On the other hand, if you find yourself in the lucky position that they start asking you questions too, you know you are on the right path.

 

You want to observe two or more Signals Of Interest in the span of five seconds (you’re ONLY looking for clusters). If it’s just one signal, then ignore it.

 

We’ve cataloged FIFTEEN specific Signals Of Interest that you’ll come across at networking and pitch events, and you can get them for free by joining here.

How To Spot A Lie

 

Let’s say you’re talking to a big investor who seems to be a little standoffish (based on your now expert body language reading skillz) but they’re all smiles and promises.

 

Though you hear his promises and how your project is great, somehow your gut is telling you that it’s not right and that he is probably lying.

 

When we lie, it’s usually done to manipulate the other person’s opinion of us. That is, if an investor lies to you about funding you, it might be done so they can still be perceived as open to projects, but just not “that into you” without hurting your feelings.

 

This is a very common trade in our industry and learning how to spot the lie and go with it can save us some grief, as well as save any future chances with them in case you find a way to attract their attention again.

Specifics On Spotting A Lie

 

The way to spot a lie is as simple as this: the person’s subconscious will manifest in small ticks that will give away a somewhat ‘nervous’ attitude that will be masked with actions and words that could be defined as calm and collected.

 

It’s a confusing state to be on the other side of but it’s easy enough to spot: you should look at the feet, the hands and the eyes for this as these body parts reveal most subconscious nervous ticks that will alert you of a lie being said.

 

For instance, if they’re sitting, you’ll find that when they speak they will be likely to:

• blink more than usual
• playing with their hands, scratching
• have twitchy toes
• in some cases, a lack of nodding along can also be taken as a sign.

 

And though you might think it should be easy to cover them, the way they talk will give you a few pointers too:

• they are almost too quick to respond
• they seem to have a preset response for your questions and that their responses have sharp and short tonalities that give away a little nervousness (almost as if trying to cover up the fact that they are not interested in you or your idea).
• they look downward when they look away (instead of off to the side or upwards)

 

Another easy way to spot deception is by the amount of promises that come out of the meeting.

 

Not to sound cynical but from our experience, unless you have a founded relationship with certain investors, it will be virtually impossible to get them to agree to anything, so any big promise that you might get from them at events, conferences and festivals should be taken with caution as they might be lying to protect their reputation instead.

 

NOTE: With that said, it’s SO easy to get cynical and think that this industry is bullshit [LINK TO CURT’S VIDEO HERE] but you gotta remember… What state you come into a meeting with, is the state you’ll bring OUT in the other person. If you’re energetic / optimistic / trusting, then you’re likely to bring out that side of a person. But if you go in with no energy / cynical / frustrated, then don’t be surprised when that gets reflected right back at you.

Analyze the Lie

 

People like because telling the truth can hurt people or themselves. And in the film business it is no different.

 

In an industry based on people’s reputation, learning to spot a lie and play with it is as important as being able to portray yourself as the next Spielberg when you’re probably at first-feature level.

 

And this is when analyzing the lie is crucial.

 

After running a thorough scan on the person, you’ll be able to pick up signals that the person is interested in you or not.

 

You must know that in this “industry of appearances” most people might lie to you about their opinion of you/what you’re offering, as they cannot bring themselves to turn you down, in case they give off an unapproachable appearance.

 

Let’s say that you’ve done a good job at being an interesting amazing person (like me) but you haven’t QUITE got them in love with your idea… What do you do?

 

What do you DON’T want to do is confront them and say “Do you like me idea? Just tell me, straight up G. Time is money.”

 

Instead, you wanna ask them something that will give them a way OUT if they aren’t interested, and a way IN if they are.

 

Use this question: “In your experience, who do you think I should be talking to get this film made? And what do you think my first next step should be?”

 

By doing this, you give them a nonverbal cue that you are open to suggestions regarding and by no means obliging them to stick with you, which is something bold and something they’ll be thankful to you for. And if they’re interested, they’ll take this opportunity to suggest themselves. Either way, win-win.

 

Interrogate CIA-style

 

Everyone likes a good game of rapid-fire where you have a few seconds to choose between two subjects since not only does it keep you from thinking too much, BUT it also a direct window into what the other person’s verbal / non-verbal tics.

 

This is the same with interrogations at the CIA.

Carnicero almost exclusively uses rapid-fire-style interrogations because it helps spot lies FAST since the person doesn’t have enough time to prepare a lie, and the shock of the unexpected is easy to pick up on.

 

If we use it in a networking event, this can be fun but it might make you sound/seem like a psycho who doesn’t care enough about the responses. You want to AVOID being seen like you’re in interview mode!

 

This is classic the mistake guys make at bars: “Hey, what’s your name?.. What do you do for work?.. What’s your favorite color?.. Why are you leaving me?..”

 

So unless it’s presented as a game, you’ll need to use well thought-out questions that only require short answers, unless asked for a longer follow up.

 

Of course, learning to have a few fun rapid-fire questions to throw at a person during a group discussion (and in the context of a friendly game) can be fun — be mindful of the person and have a few different sets prepared so you have plenty of room for more conversation opportunities.

 

As Curt always says, 80% of the work is done BEFORE you enter the room.

4 Body Language Myths

When you’re trying to read someone, especially if you’re trying to detect a lie, do NOT listen to common wisdom. Here’s some of what you’ve been told to look for, that actually have little to no correlation with their deception (unless its different from their baseline):

 

1. Eye Contact: We think that if someone if looking at us in the eyes, their telling the truth, or that if they look away that’s a sign of weakness, when actually it just might be a sign that they’re thinking. You know who looks at you with unwaveringly intense glare? ROBOTS.
2. Closed Body Postures: When people have their arms crossed, for example, we’ve been told it’s subconsciously signaling unwillingness to cooperate / contempt / aggression / [insert your preconceived negative bias]. Actually, they may be postured like that because it’s cold, or its comfortable. The research that suggests a correlation between close postures and reluctance is tenuous at best.
3. Pre-emptive Responses: That is, responding before you finish the question. You can’t take this eagerness as an anxiety ridden culpable person’s attempt to deceive you. Instead it could mean that the person is innocent, and wants to proclaim that fast. OR it could mean that they know where you’re going with the question (we think almost 10x faster than speech) so they just answer it, because why not.
4. Blushing: The thing is, people get red in the face for a variety of reasons. One is that they’re embarrassed about something. Another is maybe it brings up a memory of something they’re nervous about. Another is that they could have just seen someone they find sexually attractive (this happens every time I enter a room, so sorry to throw your radar off). It could be anything from the past, present, or anticipated future. This is NOT a signal of deception.

 

Mastering Your Own Body Language: State Control

I talk a lot about how 80% of your success is psychology, and the fastest way (with the highest results) that you can hack your psychology is to control your STATE.

 

State is the moment to moment emotions / motivations you feel. Some days you have a shitty state (“woke up on the wrong side of the bed”) and some days you feel PASSIONATELY UNSTOPPABLE.

You can tell me which of the two states do you think would make someone not only more fulfilled, but achieve greater results too.

 

Let’s focus on controlling your state.

Practice What You Want To Become

When you wake up late, or you say “yes” to that donut EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT IT… Then you’re telling the part of your brain that doesn’t have your best interests at heart, to get stronger.

And you’re telling the part of you that actually wants to accomplish what you set out to accomplish, to get weaker.

 

What you feed grows.

 

One of the quickest ways to change your state is to change your focus. One of the quickest ways to change your focus, is to change the questions you ask yourself.

Constantly be thinking “Is this making me weaker? Or stronger?” If it’s weaker… Then why would you do something that makes you weak? Unless you want to become weak.

 

There are three stages of growth:

1. Realization
2. Confrontation
3. Integration

 

The first stage is to realize the problem; to become aware of it.

You probably have many friends that you’re like “Dude… You’re so miserable… Just leave her!” but he’s in denial about how bad his state is, or he’s in such hope that things can get better that he doesn’t realize the extent of the problem.

 

Don’t let that happen to you. If something is bothering you a little bit, then it’s going to bother you a lot. Treat each annoyance, each anxiety, each moment of fear NOT as “well it’s human to feel these.”

 

Yes, it’s human to feel that. But you know what else is human? Not settling for being less than you can be. Not giving up. Moving forward with strength and certainty.

 

Notice your issues when they’re tiny because it’s best to fight a monster when it’s a baby.

 

And by the way, if you’re hoping for a day that problems will end for you… Keep hoping. Problems will always be there. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Then you move onto the confrontation step, where you explore what it is EXACTLY that’s bothering you.

 

The integration step is more advanced and I talk about in my emails (you can sign up for free) but it’s essentially owning the darkest parts of you, whilst strengthening what makes you YOU.

Carl Jung called it “integrating the shadow” and from my experience he got it exactly right.

Change Your Physiology

You now have a blueprint of how confident people act and how nervous / anxious people act. GREAT. Monitor yourself.

 

NOTICE when you’re fidgeting out of nervousness, looking down and away out of feeling inferior or uncertain, pointing your feet away from someone you don’t want to talk to, etc.

 

The first stage of growth is realization so at first, simply become AWARE of it.

 

Then when you’re ready, fight against your body’s natural urges to react in that manner, and use our blueprint to mimic not only the body language of how you want to come across, but mimic the body language of how you want to FEEL.

 

Want to feel more confident? Take up a bit more space than you normally would.

 

Want to feel more connected to someone? Point your toes towards them and don’t shake your leg as if you’re eagerly waiting for them to shut up.

 

Practice what you want to become.

 

Your mind affects your body but your body affects mind. You take someone who’s been depressed for YEARS, make them smile by putting a pencil between their mouth, and after just two minutes, they feel happier than do on anti-depressants!

 

Of course, the trick is, how do you make that last. By practicing what you want to become — consistently.

 

I’m not asking you to “fake it til you make it” since that takes long to work (and you’ll feel like a total phony in the interim).

 

What I’m advocating for is for you to understand what CREATES those emotions in the first place. And to have control over them. Else they will have control over you.

Meditation

I’m including this here since many find this helps. I find it doesn’t work for me, but Mindfulness Meditation has the most science behind it.

It will help you with the awareness / “realization” phase above, as well as help you stay calm when you’re in social situations that would ordinarily trigger anxiety.

 

Learn to control your body and mind (internal) if you want to learn to control situations and responses (external).

Like I said, I personally don’t find it useful but Mindfulness Meditation is a practice often used by public speakers since it boosts your confidence, improves your communications skills and increases your self assessing critical analysis (in the long run).

The “The Best Friend” Technique

 

A good practice is to think ahead, imagine the conversation and find different outcomes to the questions you might have.

If you feel intimidated by the person you are meeting, it might cause you to stress, releasing cortisol (which is can be neurotoxic in the long run). This can be avoided by getting in STATE before you meet. To do so, you may need products like CBD Oil UK.

 

How?

Right before you meet someone, think “What if this next person I’m meeting becomes my best friend in the next couple of years?”

 

By asking yourself this simple question, your brain is now focused on acting positively, and thus not only reducing your stress levels, but appearing friendlier and more confident.

 

Change your focus, change your state. Change your state, change your LIFE.

 

Applying this to a networking event where you are waiting to talk to someone you’d like to work with will also help you stand out, as most people forget to be friendly to their peers in preference of appearing professional or cool.

This is a common mistake made by greener film-makers who are trying too hard to impress other filmmakers and forget that the first step to successful networking and working in the industry make friends.

 

Rapport Building / Mirroring

Dr Milton Erickson was a master at making people like him within seconds.

How do you go about doing that when you know nothing about the person?

Well what he noticed was that when two people are in “rapport”, their physiology tends to mirror each other.

So what he did was genius. He wondered, “What if instead of waiting for mirroring… I induce it!” And THAT was a major insight in rapid relationship building.

Turns out, just like you can hack your own state by taking on the physiology you want — you can hack a relationship (for the better) by taking on the physiology of the other person.

 

INTERESTING.

 

I’m sure you’ve been told “when they lean on their arm, you lean on your arm” but when you start to start to blatantly mimic, you can get “caught” and since most people know about this basic method, you’ll be seen as totally manipulative and this will BREAK all your rapport.

If you have to, then wait at least 10 seconds before mirroring their body language.

 

The BEST way to mirror, however, is much more subtle and actually makes you feel what the other person is feeling (remember, changing your physiology will always change your state, and if you match theirs, you’ll notice that you can really feel how they feel — thus this form of bonding is GENUINE).

 

• Breathing: This is subtle but watch how the other person is breathing and you breathe in the same way (tempo, shallow / deep, tightness, etc.)
• Tonality: Explained below but essentially if the person is a fast talker, then don’t put on your slow Southern accent. Same with the converse. Match their speed, timbre, volume, and even cadence.
• Frame Of Mind: This is key to empathy, but try to imagine what the other person has been through. NOT what they’re thinking (that will make you anxious) but think about their recent life conditions that led them up to this moment. Maybe they come across as angry, when inside they’re profoundly hurt.
• Eye Contact: If they look at you in the eye 50% of the time, then don’t freak them out by STARING AT THEIR PUPILS LIKE A DEMON. Do the same. It won’t make you look weak, it will make you feel connected.
• Proximity: Where are they standing? How close are they comfortable with the other person being? We all have “zones of threshold” where if someone crosses it, then you’re like “uh… please… never return.” Respect theirs and mirror it.

People like people who are like themselves. Or who are like how they could like to become. This is an VITAL to remember as it has been proven to be right, and is the basis on which the mirroring technique lies.

 

The reason why is based on the idea that we like what we know (ourselves), and thus will feel connected to someone who appears to be like us too.

 

Here’s a fun question: Is style more important than substance?

 

Think about it.

 

It turns out turns out — style is more important than substance INITIALLY.

 

We judge people’s style in the first five seconds of our encounter, and he isn’t talking about your fashion sense, but rather, your style of “person.”

 

How you speak, gesture, position and carry yourself is your body’s business card, and it’ll allow the other person to get an idea of “you”. Importantly, before the encounter it is therefore crucial to have studied the person from a little distance in order to gather some information, as I’ve already mentioned before. In fact, these little observations will help you mirror them and thus intrigue them by making them feel oddly connected to you.

 

We live a very self centered world, and people tend to be quite ego-centric, especially in our industry, where depending where you go you’re likely to meet humble people, or the stereotypically full-of-themselves celebs who don’t want to waste time on people.

 

Learning to mirror people will grant you a few more seconds of interest on their part, that could be crucial to make the first connection which can last.

 

Erikson studied how people tend to not only form a relationship of rapport, but also tend to find themselves syncing up. This phenomenon is called “entrainment” and it is based on the idea of Pacing and Leading.

 

This means that after you mirror your partner for a while, YOU will be able to “lead” by switching tempo and find that your counterpart follows you.

 

The great thing about this is that it’s something you can test for yourself and if it works, then this is a great sign as it means that you have made a connection strong.

 

Now you can avoid the dreaded “but I emailed them and they never responded!” by changing YOUR state, identifying the state of others, changing THEIR state, and building a genuine connection.

YOUR ACTION STEP

You now have all the tools at your disposal to be able to out, build genuine connections, and master your own state.

Your action step is to write ONE new insight you got from this below. Extra points if you have any stories around some of the lessons gleaned from our Ultimate Guide.

If you want more Ultimate Guides on filmmaking psychology, or how to get funded / pitch effectively, then join indiefilmTO and I’ll send you my guides plus weekly hacks as I discover them.

See ya.

– Curt

This article was written by Isabel Catalán Sada with only minor additions from Curt Jaimungal (me) so give your thanks to her.

She’s one of our best writers and because of her, you now have an Ultimate Guide To Body Language so that you can build genuine connections with investors, people at networking events, and even crew on set, plus how to recognize when YOU need to change (and how to do go about strengthening yourself).