Confessions of a Struggling Actor [Diary]

So last week one of you volunteered to keep anonymous diary, and the first step was to talk about your goals. The second step is to just record your progress, day-by-day, win-by-win and of course failure-by-failure. Get a candid and unapologetic peak into the mind of a struggling actor in Toronto…

Day 1

9:00 AM: Woke up. Decided to practice guitar for a little while. Then I made faces in the mirror. Eye, hand, coordination has improved. Every actor needs good, eye, hand, coordination.

1:30 PM: Checked for extra jobs online. Felt somewhat disappointed. Oh well. It is the thought that counts.

2:00 PM: I met up with an old actor friend, I hadn’t met in a while. I found out that his new theatre gig is still going strong. I told him I was interested in doing movies. He told me that was insane. They I felt it: the snobbery is strong with this one. Use the Force, Luke. Then I moved on with my day.

4:15 PM: I decided to chat with my younger brother about one of these acting classes he once took. Little did he realize that acting is a business, not a play thing, though he was just telling me all about the playful things he did all day. Well, I guess there is wisdom in children. I must turn work in to play.

5:30: Read a book on communication for an hour. Then I realized I hadn’t communicated with anybody for a while. Started texting on my phone.

6:30: Felt sad that I had wasted so much time texting. I decided to go to an art centre and checked some job postings for actors.

10:30: Took a nap to maintain strength and alertness. It’s not acting, it real life need. Would that I did not have to eat or sleep!

6:00 AM : The busses are running all night, which means I’ve got to be up to catch the one I need. I must set up for someone elses shows. Lot’s of actors to be met at this new event.

Day 2

12 AM: I woke up late from someone elses wedding. I was constantly amazed by the acting ability of the DJ who handled the guests with the ease of a town crier.

12:30 PM: Checked out one of my favorite old comedians on twitter. I no longer find his jokes funny. I tried making faces in the mirror while brushing my teeth and vocalizing his jokes. I really didn’t think he was funny anymore.

1:00 PM: Took my vitamins, tried telling myself that power comes from within and not from pills. Nah.

1:30 AM: Late lunch, realized my younger brother is something of a prodigy. He can remember Malcolm in the Middle lines without breaking a sweat.

2:30 PM: Did some reading up on different acting styles.

3:45 PM: Bought a McDouble and worked out a little bit. Then bought some groceries and walked by one of the cheaper theatres. I really hope I’ll be in there one day; on the stage, on the screen.

Day 3

5:00 AM: I work up early, went out to stand out in the cold by the bus stop to head to my day job.

2:15 PM: Realized I was very late for my next work-out. Ran over for it. Drank a lot of water. I made a mental note to drink more water. Then I realized I haven’t been keeping my diary. This is oddly therapeutic. By the way, I’m working out because I plan on taking some headshots soon and I’ve been getting more and more into seriously getting my act together, no pun intended.

6:30 PM: A more standard piece of work, I had to do. Met up with an agent, but prepared for it vigorously in her lobby. I hope I made a good impression.

7:15 PM: Meeting is over. I’ve got way too much time to waste. I want to be an actor before the Earth completes another orbit.

9:30 PM: Met up to network with an actor who made it. Or so he says. I wanted to pick his brain to learn more.

Day 4

9:30 AM: I watched a movie about cinematography. Trying to learn a little bit for a few minutes every morning before going about my day. I feel like you have to be well-rounded so that you can stand out, and not just be another puppet who speaks lines that other people write. At least that’s how we’re viewed.

9:45 AM: Wasting time, listening to some music.

10:00 AM: Found a small job as an extra running back and forth across a street corner. Got paid.

11:15 AM: Headed out to a coffee place to meet up with friends. A guy who was talking as if he was on coke talked very very fast about a commercial he was working on. Hung out with him for beers.

Day 5

8:40 AM: Running late for my early morning meeting with another director who is working on a fresh new project.

9:45 AM: I scored a very small role in a film! I doubt my name will appear in the credits, but I’m very very grateful I got the role. I’m skipping home for lunch after this.

3:15 PM: Exhausted. Lying down on the couch. A friend calls me. Wants to go to Yuk Yuks and watch him try some new lines.

3:45 PM: Went to Yuk Yuks. I thought it went well. No one laughed at me though.

Day 6

2:15 PM: Starting the day very late again. The is shining outside although it remains a cold late March.

3:10 PM: Finally up. Brushed teeth. Combed hair. Taking the bus down to the Lakeshore. Passed by some homeless people. I’m probably poorer than them. I shake an invisible coffee cup at one.

4:00 PM: The sun is shining and I’m jogging along the Lakeshore. I’m sweating and its feeling hotter. Now, back to that nice class I’m taking. Hoping to improve my strength and appearance.

Day 7

9:00 AM: Awake. Arising from my coffin essentially. What to do. Heading over to a shared work-space to do research on how to get a professional agent, and not just for extra work.

9:15 AM: I finished making a list of thoughts on this question, and am heading out to talk to a director about how to improve my reel.

10:30 AM: Learning how to use video editing software to make a nice real to upload to Vimeo and Youtube.

12:30 PM: Joined for some location scouting for a short film I planned on making myself. It will be about words and meanings and misunderstandings. Kid stuff.

2:30 PM: Calling a cinematographer on the phone to see if I can get a good rate. If not, I’m going to have to be my own cinematographer.

2:45 PM: Renting my own equipment from Vistek.

3:00 PM: Heading home to figure out how to use the equipment.

3:45 PM: Computer is too cluttered. Need to clean it. Then I need to clean my mind somehow. Meditation.

4:15 PM: Walking down the street trying to feel alive after my mediation. I thought I saw an old photographer friend but then realized she was only another look-a-like of Carly Rae Jepsen.

4:30 PM: Chatted. Caught up. Endless buzz about this and that. I remembered why I forgot her name.

5:00 PM: Went to the library, hoping that a change of scene would get my mind back.

6:30 PM: My boxing class is the only thing which can cure me. I need to get punched in the face to feel alive.

9:30 PM: Exhausted. Heading home to lie down and sleep.

*****

Remember that his goal was clearly stated here, and to sum up, it was to simply sign up for an agency and do three pre-taped auditions. Did he achieve any of these? Notice the self loathing. Something we’re all too familiar with. Do you have the same incessant thoughts?

PS: If you want to be featured as an anonymous struggling filmmaker, write to pitch@indiefilmTO.com with the subject “Struggling.”

PPS: Inspired by New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries”