Finishing What You Start: A Struggling Filmmaker’s Story
I just wanted to lay in traffic and wait for a car to run me over.
It supposed to be a simple dinner scene with four actors and a handful of crew in Vaughan.
Someone didn’t know their lines even though they JUST said that they only needed two hours to memorize them. And then guess what?
We ended up shooting for fourteen hours — for ONE close up.
One fucking close up!
Then, an actress needed to leave.
“Got an audition early tomorrow,” she said, swinging her hair like a Pantene Pro V commercial. “Need to get my beauty sleep.”
Fuck!
I walked out feeling that this could be the end of my budding filmmaking career.
Not because of circumstances or what someone did (or didn’t do), but as a spiritual and conscious choice. Like putting a bullet in a wounded dog.
Who wants to live with this much heartbreak?
But you know what? I was stubborn. I knew deep inside there is only one thing that was behind it all.
The fear.
“Why should I continue?” I caught myself thinking.
And just like I feel fear as I try to write this article, I will continue to feel fear for my film. It’s quality. It’s funding. It’s distribution.
It’s reception to the audience and most importantly the overwhelming doom and gloom of sitting back, staring at the edit and thinking…
“What the hell have I been wasting my time on?”
***
Fear to bind us. Fear to motivate us. Fear to tear us apart.
I’ll tell you right off the bat, there isn’t a single thing I have done creatively that I haven’t thought was garbage. Not a single thing.
I am 27.
No girlfriend.
I live at home.
Film is so important to me, but I feel USELESS because I have not made millions of dollars from it? WTF.
My sexual market value is worth as much as my art: zero.
I will always wonder if “film networking” isn’t just some big elaborate game of trying to be someone I am not, for some unseen selfish benefit.
My indie filmmaking heart says fuck everybody. Fuck what they think. I should do what I want.
My fiscal heart says — don’t quit your day job…
***
Four years later.
The film is STILL in post and I’m trying to get the sound done on this piece of shit I shot years ago.
Why am I so stubborn to try and turn my personal garbage into something salvageable?
Because like the many revisions this article has gone through, it know it will get better with every keystroke.
So I keep going.
Just keep going.
Like that cartoon fish said…
It’s a decision to keep doing it the next day, and every day after that, until you can’t any more. There’s no science behind it.
It’s a choice.
No magic formula.
One choice you have to make every day to work on it little by little.
That is really all I can say. Anything else would be hyperbole.
Signed,
The Adventurer in Screen Trade
Pablo
Everyone out there has had these EXACT feelings in one way or another.
Whether it’s that you put your heart and soul into film school for 3 years and are now wondering where it got you.
Or it’s that you are scared that you might not be good enough to make enough money to support yourself.
Share this article with a fellow filmmaker who you know has felt the same way.
We can unite under our own weaknesses.
Tbh, I resonate with this. My film has been in post for… three years now? The worst part is that it’s just a short (kill me now).
But I will keep going. It’s refreshing to hear someone speak about the dark side of filmmaking. Stubborness ftw though.
“Perfectionism is the enemy of good.”
Never was able to complete mine. Had ONE good day of shooting where everything went amazingly smooth only to have the SD card become corrupt AFTER shooting had finished. I could hear it during playback, all was well but then the dreaded, ‘you must format your card before using.’ WTF???
Things went downhill from there. Have given up more times than I care to comment. But, like the idiot I am, I have a good idea, I tell myself, that’s worth pursuing, even all these years later. Somebody shoot me and tell me I’m as stupid as I feel!!!!!
Yet I try, and try and try again, though all have abandoned me.
My cinematographer accidentally ERASED a day’s footage of one of the hardest to film scenes of this feature I was working on.
I know what it feels like to have your footage lost on you!
Keep at it man.
Honestly, this sounds like someone chasing perfectionism. This kills most filmmakers careers before it’s even started. I think a lot can all relate with this story but honestly, nothing will ever be perfect. Just release your film, learn from your mistakes and move on to the next project before it’s too late.
My moto is to aim for perfection, and you’ll probably get a good-ish film. That’s just the way it goes. Unless it’s one of them rare films where all the stars align and everything seems to just go smoothly.
Best advice is to ASSUME what you’re making is going to be garbage. In a motivating way. Knowing that next time, it will only get better. And better.